Saturday, February 6, 2016

The Leftovers


So I had a nice rebirth following this show which is co-created by Damon Lindelof of Lost and many other projects, based off a book. I just had to share here how it slapped me back into consciousness.

The Leftovers is quite frankly a depressing shitfest of a really great show! Its buildups lead to great catharsis and the finales of both seasons have been very satisfying so if you plan on watching it, prepare to get really angry at times but be assured that it's all leading to something worthwile. The creators fully admit it's filled with loads of religious symbolism. I binged it in 3 days and avoided spoilers as much as possible in this post. The premise:

The Leftovers takes place three years after a global event called the "Sudden Departure", the inexplicable, simultaneous disappearance of 140 million people, 2% of the world's population, on October 14, 2011. Following that event, mainstream religions declined, and a number of cults emerged, most notably the Guilty Remnant.
The story focuses primarily on the Garvey family and their acquaintances in the fictional town of Mapleton, New York. Kevin Garvey is the Chief of Police. His wife Laurie has joined the Guilty Remnant. Their son Tommy has left home for college, and their daughter Jill is acting out.

Now first of all, this Sudden Departure is and will not be explained! When the series was pissing me off I felt like the writers went to the writingprompts subreddit and gave 0 fucks to explain it, but it really works and I'll tell you why:
My angry depressed self reacted to this show's characters early on with "So what? People have disappeared, why would this break so many people? Just move on." My sentence wasn't finished in my head when I realized I only said this because I have been single for more than ten years because "the one" dumped me out of nowhere. That realization hit hard, and the show became gripping. Watch the embedded trailer here to understand this post better.

There is no reason given for the Sudden Departure, just as the reason given by my last ex was about as meaningful as that. "We never go out" was about the only reason given after two years and that was the first time I heard that complaint. I broke completely that afternoon. I had just come from work, I was singing along to music in my car happy because I knew she would be waiting for me, little did I know why. I threatened to kill myself then and there and I was depressed for about half of the decade that followed. Truth be told I had started to show cracks months earlier, working in IT was not how I envisioned it, with a terrible atmosphere at work and I was already depressed for a good few months. I'm sure that had something to do with the breakup aswell. 

So these characters need to deal with loved ones disappearing without a reason, just like me. Some join a cult dressed in white, they stop talking and they stand outside vulnerable peoples homes just staring and smoking cigarettes. Their purpose simply to remind people of the Sudden Departure and the meaninglessness of it all. Like annoying faceless triggers they get screamed at for no other reason than being there. Since I started hating people in general for a good while, I found the metaphor really strong. It also struck a cord because I had embraced the 2012 bs for a long while because a part of me just wanted it all to end, thankfully by the time that december came I was in another job I enjoyed quite a bit more because I made 3 good new friends there. I don't wanna spoil the series in any way but the experience of both seasons killed my depressed self and made me reborn with hope again.

So then last night after the final episode, I went to bed. I had to pick up my folks from the airport that morning very early so I had not slept the night before and already slept from about nine till five in the afternoon, it was around five in the morning when I went to bed and I dreamt my mother had disappointed me by leaving me alone, I fell off a high narrow flight of stairs and was convulsing heavily in front of a big metal door. A group of people in hazmat suits looked at me like I was done for and joked if I wanted to stay or come along, I could barely move! Sweating and barely able to breathe in the fetal position, full of the worst pain I knew just like I felt in real life for nearly two weeks a few months ago when I was suffering from terrible congestion and lost 7 kilograms related to my Late Stage Lyme. 
I looked up, and as they opened the door - not helping me in anyway but stepping beside me - I dragged myself inside with my final strength. They laughed and cheered. They didn't owe me anything but opened the door, I had to drag myself through it. It was an elevator and we went up to a Sushi restaurant where I felt a lot better right away. It was a fun dinner, discussing among other random dream things Vin Diesel and the Japanese language. Afterwards I found myself in my old room where I grew up, a pretty girl that looked like Kittens had insects crawling around her feet. I wasn't disgusted but took her to the bathroom where we shared a bath and some other fun activities.

I woke up feeling as happy as I did after my favorite mushroom trip, but it was really cold. I went to check the thermostat in the living room. It said it was 06.06 which was odd because it was close to noon, no wonder it was cold, the night setting was still on. I looked at the date and it was 24 december 2012. Not 21 but close enough to give me a big really smile. Just like the characters in the series I didn't understand what was going on but was laughing.

I went back to bed to wake up after only a few hours of sleep and listened to my sleep playlist on my phone which I started by shuffling it, it's like every damn song was talking to me. What follows is a ridiculous long list of lyrics I'm gonna share:


Whir - Smashing Pumpkins

I've wasted all my years
Been chasin' all my fears
For another brighter than you
I gave in long ago to make it to the show,
But it's not easy when you're alone 

Little Bear - Guillemots 
(as I copy paste it now, it starts to play in my Kodi Media Center Party Mode playlist which is random and contains 6054 songs at the moment)


Little bear, little bear you're getting out of hand
Getting out of hand
I think I'm going to lose you now

Oh little bear, little bear you know me too well anyway
Too well every day
I'm going home

I'm going beneath the stars
I'm going under the soil again
And I won't be back in a long time so get out
Get out of this old house
Before I burn it down
I wouldn't want to cause you anything
That might break your lovely face
In a thousand shattered china pieces

In this bracken world of broken pieces

I'll Catch You - Get Up Kids

can you sleep as the sound hits your ears one at a time?
an unspokenbalance here, 
unabridged for so many years
that i should stare at receivers to receive her isn't fair
don't worry i'll catch you 
don't ever worry
your arms in mine, anytime
i wouldn't trade anything
you're still my everything
to my surprise, before my eyes, you arrive
don't worry I'll catch you
don't ever worry
i'm still breaking old habits, habits when you pulled the wool over me
i can see everything, everything remembering "jinx removing"
don't worry i'll catch you [x2]
don't ever worry
no need for reminding... you're still all that matters to me

Night Time - The xx

You mean that much to me
And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me
When you go
Can I confess these things
To you
Well I don't know
Embedded in my chest
And it hurts to hold

And I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam
Looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hope my words keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the day come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

Princes - Oscar & the Wolf

So run for the golden, for the money
Run for the infinity
We'll never return and be free
But every time I come around there's too many little things they know about us
Oh, I can't play

And I don't wanna be your friend, baby
But there's no other way
I don't want you, baby, you pretend
And I don't wanna make it better
So there's no other way
I don't want you to make me mad

Got my boys in the water
Got my girls spending overtime
Got my boys in the water

Asleep - The Smiths

Sing me to sleep 
Sing me to sleep 
I'm tired and I 
I want to go to bed 

Sing me to sleep 
Sing me to sleep 
And then leave me alone 
Don't try to wake me in the morning 
'Cause I will be gone 
Don't feel bad for me 
I want you to know 
Deep in the cell of my heart 
I will feel so glad to go 

Sing me to sleep 
Sing me to sleep 
I don't want to wake up 
On my own anymore 

Sing to me 
Sing to me 
I don't want to wake up 
On my own anymore 

Don't feel bad for me 
I want you to know 
Deep in the cell of my heart 
I really want to go 

There is another world 
There is a better world
Well, there must be 
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well... 

Bye bye 
Bye bye 
Bye...



Anime - Seirei is this song from the anime Seirei No Moribito:
it's about planting and growing using rice fields as a metaphor

Soma - The Smashing Pumpkins

Nothing left to say
And all I've left to do
Is run away
From you
And she led me on, down
With secrets I can't keep 

Close your eyes and sleep
Don't wait up for me
Hush now don't you speak
To me

Wrapped my hurt in you
And took my shelter in that pain
The opiate of blame
Is your broken heart, your heart

So now I'm all by myself
As I've always felt
I'll betray my tears
To anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss from me...yeah
One last kiss good night

Didn't want to lose you once again
Didn't want to be your friend
Fulfilled a promise made of tin
And crawled back to you

I'm all by myself
As I've always felt
I'll betray myself
To anyone, lost, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again
On that you can depend on me, yeah
Until the bitter, bitter end of the world, yeah
When god sleeps in bliss

And I'm all by myself
As I've always felt
And I'll betray myself
To anyone

Touch - Daft Punk feat. Paul Williams

Touch, I remember touch
Pictures came with touch
A painter in my mind
Tell me what you see

A tourist in a dream
A visitor it seems
A half-forgotten song
Where do I belong?
Tell me what you see
I need something more

Kiss, suddenly alive
Happiness arrive
Hunger like a storm
How do I begin?

A room within a room
A door behind a door
Touch, where do you lead?
I need something more
Tell me what you see
I need something more

Home
Hold on
If love is the answer you're home [8x]

Touch, sweet touch
You've given me too much to feel
Sweet touch
You've almost convinced me I'm real

I need something more
I need something more

3 Libras - A Perfect Circle

Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over 

But I threw you the obvious, just to see if there's more behind the 
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all, see through, see you.

Soothe - the Smashing Pumpkins

Hungry, hungry again (I always thought he said "Hold me" until now!)
Hungry, hungry again
When will it start to sway
When will it start to almost break you
Hungry, hungry again
Hungry, hungry again

I'll miss you
And I don't wish you bad
Well, I forgive you
And I don't wish you away, away, away
It'll almost break you
Almost take you
Almost break you
Almost break you up

Bonus: My folks' cat Mono that I take care off while they're gone for almost half the year:

Lost in the Dream - The War on Drugs

Lost in the dream
Or just the silence of a moment
It’s always hard to tell
Down in the way

When we were the same
We stroked our arms and we wore them thin
Ah the sadness it was in
You don’t miss it man
You got it all like a memory
Now it’s living under your skin
Love’s the key to the games that we play
But don’t mind losing
Love’s the key to the things that we see
But you don’t mind moving
It’s a door…
It’s the key to the dark…
Love’s a game; it’s always the same
Oh, all the way

Brena - A Perfect Circle

My reflection
Wraps and pulls me under
healing waters to be
Bathed in Brena

Guides me
Safely in
Worlds I've never been to
Heal me
Heal me
My dear Brena

So vulnerable
But it's alright

Heal me
Heal me
My dear Brena

Show me lonely and
Show me openings
To lead me closer to you
My dear Brena

(Feeling so) vulnerable
But it's alright

Opening to... heal...
Opening to... heal...
Heal.. Heal.. Heal...

Heal me

Then I went to the bathroom and started the kodi playlist using the Musicpump app on my phone to stream from my Kodi on my desktop pc. And I heard these songs:

Not With Haste - Mumford and Sons

And we will be who we are
And they'll heal our scars
Sadness will be far away

I'm Sorry - Brenda Lee

I'm sorry, so sorry
That I was such a fool
I didn't know love, could be so cruel
Oh-oh-oh-oh-yes.

You tell me mistakes
Are part of being young
But that don't right the wrong
That's been done, oh, oh, oh, oh, yes.

(Sang) I'm sorry, (spoken) I'm sorry
(Sang) So sorry, (spoken) so sorry
(Spoken) please accept my apology
but love is blind
and I was too blind to see. (sorry)

Bonus: The t-shirt I got from mom from Thailand:

Digging the Grave - Faith No More

It would be wrong to ask you why
Because I know what goes inside
Is only half of what comes out
Isn't that what it's about ?
To remind us we're alive
To remind us we're not blind
In that big, black hole
Comfortable
Digging the grave, I got it made
Let something in, or throw something out ?
You left the door open wide
I know you have a reason why
That knot is better left untied
I just went and undid mine
It takes some time
And the shadows so big
It takes the sun out of the day
And the feeling goes away
If you close the door
Comfortable

Wonderwall - Ryan Adams 

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna give it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding

Who's that girl - Madonna

When you see her, say a prayer and kiss your heart goodbye
She's trouble, in a word get closer to the fire
Run faster, her laughter burns you up inside
You're spinning round and round
You can't get up, you try but you can't

You try to avoid her, fate is in your hands
She's smiling, an invitation to the dance
Her heart is on the street, tu corazon es suyo
Now you're falling at her feet
You try to get away but you can't

Light up my life, so blind I can't see
Light up my life, no one can help me now

Run faster, her laughter burns you up inside
He's spinning round and round
You can't get up, you try but you can't

Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi

We've gotta hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got

I fully realize it's probably not as easy for someone else to see the subjective connections I'm seeing but anyway those are a few good songs to share nonetheless! I'm ready to go on with my life again. As they say in the show...



"Now... who wants a hug?"

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Peter Carrol: The Apophenion: A Chaos Magic Paradigm

"Great people invariably contain great contradictions, internal self-consistency has no virtue, it merely causes mediocrity. Rather we should strive to make the most of all the selves that we contain, for each can function as a god for a time if the others stop trying to restrain it. We* seem to function better by regarding ourselves as a team, and by occasionally letting one of our number manifest in full god form, but more of that in Chapter 4."

Highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to upgrade their Reality Tunnel(s).

The Apophenion attacks most of the great questions of being, free will, consciousness, meaning, the nature of mind, and humanity's place in the cosmos, from a magical perspective. Some of the conclusions seem to challenge many of the deeply held assumptions that our culture has taught us, so brace yourself for the paradigm crash and look for the jewels revealed in the wreckage.

This book contains something to offend everyone; enough science to upset the magicians, enough magic to upset the scientists, and enough blasphemy to upset most trancendentalists.

Groundhog Day


Eckhart Tolle on the movie Groundhog Day

Also see Harold Ramis on the Metaphor of Groundhog Day (Can't embed this one)

Friday, March 27, 2015

Under Our Skin - Lyme's Disease Documentary & Health & .com update


My health is not improving. I wanna register the dedroidify.com domain and find a new host for it, but I can only do very short bursts of computer work because my arms suffer from inflammation almost instantly from fingertips to shoulders. My situation has not improved after my first treatment cycle. I promise dedroidify.com will be restored soon-ish. I'm gonna start getting to it, step by step so I don't hurt myself too much but still make some progress into getting it back up. I want to make it look better too but that's for the very distant future I fear, and blogging is something I won't be able to do for a long time. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not be able to use my hands and arms for almost anything. Appreciate good health! After seeing this documentary I'm just grateful I don't have a more severe case of Lyme. Hope to see you guys soon.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Site & Health update!

Let's all be very grateful to Andrew for funding Dedroidify.com's hosting for a good while! I got the authentication code I need to transfer the domain name and now I'm just waiting on a delayed sata cable order to get access to my site again! Damn webshop didn't update their inventory so my one day delivery changed into more than a week delivery time.

I got some bad news yesterday, I go to a professor for the Lyme's disease and he's not a chatty fellow but told me my "immune system is on fire" in a bad way after I spent a half hour on a hometrainer bike with electrodes on my chest and back, a mask with breathing tubes, a thing on my finger and on my arms. They had to draw even more blood to do more tests because Lyme can't be the only reason for my immune system acting up this much. It also meant treatment still isn't starting. It was a bit of a shock cause I didn't expect this severity at all. Really alienating experience in the waiting room being ignored by everyone else there while I was tearing up after hearing the news, I wasn't able to sleep the night before so I think the fatigue helped cause those tears and to be fair all the people in the waiting room are suffering from Lyme and other conditions too.
My arms still are in really bad shape for which I'm going to a physical trainer (only once a week and that really should be twice). So that's gonna prevent me from working on the site very fast, but I do intend to update the site so it looks a bit more pro! 2015 is gonna be a good year for Dedroidify!

I tried getting the Dedroidify youtube channel back from a christian conspiracy wackjob but youtube isn't having it, and apparently Dedroidify at wordpress is taken too! No biggy though just remember that youtube.com/ideasaretoys is my channel.

The Storm Giants - Bukowski



Our fellow seeker buddy Sureshot has recorded his first studio track and is working on his album, check out the great music here: